


Crazy

by wordywarrior



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 14:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19747258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordywarrior/pseuds/wordywarrior
Summary: For: @flightofthefantasiesAnti-Valentine’s Day Writing ChallengePairing: Steve Rogers x Female ReaderWord Count: 1,498Warnings: Angst. So much angst. Swear-words.





	Crazy

**Author's Note:**

> For: @flightofthefantasies  
> Anti-Valentine’s Day Writing Challenge  
> Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female Reader   
> Word Count: 1,498  
> Warnings: Angst. So much angst. Swear-words.

__**Crazy. I’m crazy for feeling so lonely.  
I’m crazy – crazy for feeling so blue.  
I knew you’d love me as long as you wanted.  
And then, someday, you’d leave me for somebody new.**

Steve said he would rather be with her than with anyone else, but that wasn’t exactly true. He said he’d moved on from Peggy and Sharon, but Y/N knew he still looked at his compass daily, and that Sharon called him at least once a month.

He’d promised he was ready to have a life – hang up his suit, put down roots, and actually be with her.

Steve told her she had his heart, but she didn’t – Y/N never did and now, she never would.

He hadn’t been able to reconcile his past with his present, and as much as she wished she could fix it, she couldn’t. Steve was a hero and did what heroes do when the call to arms comes; he dropped her, picked up his shield, and left.

He’d left her, not for another woman, but for the only real, true love he’d ever known: war.

Y/N knew he had to go – Captain America would _always_ have to go. She knew it was selfish, but she couldn’t help but ask why? Hadn’t he done enough? Seen enough? Been hurt enough? Damn it – why?

Why was it _always_ him?

**_Worry – why do I let myself worry?  
_ _Wondering – what in the world did I do?_ **

At first, it was Peggy. A woman who, by all accounts, was absolutely flawless. Y/N never once dared to sully Steve’s memory of her, but it was hard to love a man who wouldn’t let go.

It was doubly hard to compete with a damn ghost.

Then, came Sharon; that train-wreck could have been seen coming from a mile away. She had so much baggage; her work, being assigned to watch him, nearly having to arrest him, and being the niece of his former love…

Fucking. Train. Wreck.

Y/N had never met Peggy and she’d only briefly been introduced to Sharon, but she felt like she knew the two women better than she knew herself. Even with one of them literally six feet under and the other in a different country, they were always around, always present. They were like a noose, just waiting to tighten around her throat and suffocate her with the weight of it all.

It wasn’t as if Steve had technically cheated on her, so, she tried understanding. Attempted acceptance. Tolerated half-measures. And the whole time, she couldn’t help but wonder what the hell she was doing and how long she would let it go on.

****_Crazy, for thinking that my love could hold you.  
_ _I’m crazy for trying, and crazy for crying.  
_ _And I’m crazy for loving you._

The only explanation was that she was insane. Y/N was just plain bat-shit crazy for thinking she could make it work. As if the exes weren’t enough, she was competing with an entire team of people who were as equally married to their jobs as Steve was.

She wasn’t an Avenger, but as a nurse, she did her part; she was passionate about her work, but it wasn’t what she wanted to take home at night.

Steve – she _wanted_ Steve.

It wasn’t that she begrudged them; they were more than just his team – they were his family. How could she be angry with people who would literally die for him? How could she be bitter toward people who had come to his aid when he called? How could she be so infuriated by those who had known him longest and loved him just as fiercely?

The truth of the matter was, she wasn’t angry with them – she was angry with herself. Y/N knew what it would take to carve out a space for herself in his life, but she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t pack a bag, jump on a jet, and run headlong into whatever disaster was waiting. She couldn’t fight like Bucky, didn’t have brains like Tony and Bruce, wasn’t skilled like Sam and Natasha, and would never possess powers like Thor and Wanda.

Y/N didn’t have the necessary skills to fight those battles, but the battles at home?

Those – those she could fight. Y/N could fight and win.

She could help in shelters. She could take care of the injured when they came in to the hospital. She could soothe frazzled nerves and provide hope. She could protect as fiercely with a stethoscope as the Avengers did with their weapons. She could save and change lives. It wasn’t the same, but it was what she could do.

Y/N could love him if he’d truly let her in. Instead of being on the outside, she could be part of his family, a part of him; she could love him and heal him and she knew it.

But Steve just wouldn’t let her.

****_Crazy, for thinking that my love could hold you.  
_ _I’m crazy for trying and crazy for crying.  
_ _And I’m crazy for loving you._

“Can we get some help here?”

Y/N immediately tossed her chart aside and ran for the stretcher. One paramedic was providing slow, controlled squeezes to the bag valve mask while the other was rattling off what was wrong. Y/N took the saline-drip bag in hand and held it high, listening intently to the assessment while the doctor barked orders and other nurses scurried to prep a bay.

Working like a well-oiled machine, the on-call team did what they were supposed to do, and because they did their jobs, their patient was in surgery before the damage was irreparable. Y/N was tasked to assist, but it wasn’t until the surgeon was applying the final stitch and discharging her that she finally realized who exactly they had on the table.

Y/N made it two steps out of the surgical suite – that was as far as she made it before she snapped off her gloves, ripped the mask from her face, and let out a sob. The cry that exploded from her lungs echoed in the empty hallway, but she made sure to cover her mouth before allowing another one to escape.

“Don’t do this, Y/N, don’t do this,” she whispered to herself, shaking out her hands and squaring her shoulders. “He’s fine. Peter’s going to be fine.

“Is he going to make it?”

Just the sound of Steve’s voice sent a myriad of emotions coursing through her. Shock, anger, pain, bitterness, regret… There was nothing Y/N could do to change how she felt, but she could change how she reacted. She bowed her head and closed her eyes, and when her heartbeat returned to normal, she finally responded, and kept her tone matter-of-fact.

“He was badly injured; he’ll be out for a while, but he’ll recover.”

Steve let out a sigh of relief, “That’s good news.”

Y/N didn’t say anything. She didn’t tell him he was a damn fool for allowing a kid to risk his life like that. She didn’t ask him if he was okay, or how the rest of the team was, or if they had found what they were looking for.

She didn’t ask him if they’d won.

“I didn’t deserve you.”

His sudden, blunt statement floored her. Hearing him out was a bad idea – it really was – but she couldn’t move. Y/N couldn’t move because his words, and whatever words he might say next, wouldn’t let her.

“I still don’t,” he continued, voice low and grave. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t…”

“Couldn’t what?” she prompted, keeping her eyes focused on her feet. “Couldn’t stop loving a dead woman? Or letting Sharon be the third-wheel? Or are you sorry you couldn’t order me to take it?”

Steve sucked in a sharp breath, “I had that coming, didn’t I?”

Y/N lifted her head and scowled, “What do you want, Steve?”

“You. I just want you. And when this is all over–”

His words killed the small kernel of hope she had. No longer able or willing to listen, she held up her hand, and glared at him.

“No,” she sneered. “There will always something – another fight, another war, another cross for you to hang yourself on. You had me, Steve. You had me and you lost me. _You. Lost.”_

Steve shook his head and took a step forward, “Y/N, please, just–”

Refusing to get sucked in, she turned, pushed open the door to the surgical suite, and stepped back inside. She heard him call her name again, entreat her to talk, but she ignored him. Steve was right; he didn’t deserve her. Most women would have called her a fool, but she knew she wasn’t. Y/N was heartbroken, but she was smart, and her will was strong.

After all, the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Her saying no and walking away – that sure as hell _wasn’t_ crazy. 


End file.
